backwards. forwards.

7 weeks post surgery. Long long weeks. I seem to make good progress of getting back into shape and then I slide back into disappointment. It's harder than I thought to go through mental and physical changers alone. Of course, I feel the energy of few close friends and my immediate family, but bottom line I am here alone and only I can change my way of thinking, acting, reacting and evolving

At this point, physically I am getting back to gym 2-3 days/week for stair climbing, core and upper body session. I ride to the gym 5 miles there/5 back. Saddle road continues to kick my ass with the steep inclines and rolling hills. It's a challenge just to get to the gym some days. Other days, I am walking 3 miles and add light biking or a 2-3 mile run at the end of the day. I found out that running first thing in the morning is very painful because my body is super stiff. On weekends or sometimes during the week if I feel up to it I climb some mountains by my house, usually Keolu hills.

Mentally, I am still sorting through the "trash" in my mind. I have to say, I am proud of myself for really focusing and tuning out the "noise". I have settled on no tv, haven't gone out to a bar really since Chicago ( 7 long months ago!), picked up some books to read at library and continue to do research for going back to school. In fact, I applied to start taking pre req to grad school courses at local community college.

Yes, sometimes it feels that all I am doing is backtracking through my memories, reliving my mistakes over and over, but I am learning and training and it takes practice to become good at anything. I should know this :)

Training of the mind

As I was making my way up Mokapuu road on my chicago schwinn *grin*, I realized something. I have been battling with the idea of how is it possible for me to move forward mentally and away from the insecurities, fears, emotional traumas of the past.Words of my friend echoed in my soul as i peddled and peddled, nearly stuck and not able to turn over. "your mind is just a muscle. you trained your body to do impossible, now it's time to train you mind to do just the same."

It hit me.

Wow! "No shit!", I thought. I did exactly that. It was easy for me to build up my stamina, my endurance, now my strength. My body is trained to recover fast from most serious injuries. I am nearly 70 or 80% after a little over a month of getting a giant plate and screws inserted in my femur. After my muscles were cut in half, I am already able to walk up to 10 or 12 miles, bike 25 miles, hike and swim a little, lift weights as if nothing happened.

But EVERYTHING happened. It's just that I trained my body little by little, pushing harder and harder to overcome.

It is the same thing with my brain, my mind, my soul. So much has been done to them, so much damage and so much trauma was caused both by my environment and myself. It's a long road ahead, but it only has to be as long as I make it. I can drag it out, run away from it, or I can face it and deal, be aware, work through all those things. Little by little training my mind and soul to RECOVER just as quickly as my body does now.

This is very exciting as I continue healing physically, I am now ready to heal emotionally as well.

Happy thoughts..and much aloha