dear diary...

It’s a slide show life
Speechlessly communitating in quotes and rhymes
living through emotions and experiences which have all long passed
Footprints of the past
Blindly following somebody else’s dreams
Living expectations
Unreal
Discarded
Pushing away
Bouncing back

dedicated to dean

As my coworker was howling in the unison with 20 dogs and I was scrubbing kennels inside I came to realization that indeed my running sabbatical is over. I read interview with Dean Karnazes in Competitor over and over that day. I stared at his photo until I could not get his image out of my head. Yes, sure, I was hoping for a month off from running, but as second week came to an end, I started pondering if I was able to run at all at that point. I missed it so much, I even dropped tears on the elliptical at work.

Today I set off on easy 10 as my stomach, thighs, calves and even my chin was jiggling. I was realized how far I have to go and how hard I have to train to even get close to the shape I was in last summer. Dean’s interview popped in my head again. “ I am 45 years old. I have 4.5 percent body fat and my resting heart rate is under 40”. Ok, ok, ok. I can do this. I can run and train til I get a nose bleed. After all this guy didn’t even start doing crazy stuff til he hit his 30th birthday, when he set off on a 30 miler after sitting in a pub pounding beers. Yeah, he is a dude and all, but not much different then me. Not at all. He has resourses now, but he did not then. Why can’t I run in 4 deserts? Why can’t I run 50 marathons in 50 days? Why can’t I?
I could not come up with the reason. Sky is the limit, right? Wrong. There is no limit. I have decided on some hard core changes in my life, but none of those changes involve me not running, not competing, not doing the best, not lacing up my shoes in any weather, any condition and setting of on a run. 10 miles? Sure. 50? Why the hell not?
I hope to run 100 next spring. I hope to do Western States and Badwater before I move to Moscow. I don’t hope. No. I plan to do it. I plan to do it as well as I can. I plan to get into Moscow running scene. Live to run and run to live. It will be amazing to find myself in that part of the world again. I plan to run all the major marathons in Europe, Asia and Africa even if that means scraping money for plane ticket for months in advance.

With all that I had two grand ideas as I finished the run today. First, is to organize a transsiberian race or a race along the Volga river. I think that would be completely amazing and hard core. I can find sponsors. No big deal. Runners are tough and can sleep in tents right? There could be a van or two to transport goods and carry the equipment. Maybe we make it into Runner’s World or Guinness book of world records.
Second idea mostly came from dehydration. I don’t know if this exists already but as I had a craving for cold and flavored something, I thought… Why don’t they sell beer popsicles or vodka popsicle at the store? I even came up with a plan how to make them in my fridge!

Perhaps, insanity runs in my blood. I can’t help it. I get bored easily. I hate conformity and being told what to do. Limits is not something I can ever settle on. My body is nearly a shell which if worked and fed properly will perform incredible things. My mind… hmmm, let’s not go there!

Cheers to summer weather and more running adventures.
Xox
TBat

The dreaded entry Part 2

I woke up this morning to the sound of screaming or yelling. Something deep inside was tearing me apart. I was pumped to do my 2 hour run this morning but when i looked at my clothes and shoes, I had this feeling of disgust. Feeling as if I don't want to see it anymore. I don't want to feel good after my run, because I do not need it in my life.

It felt so strange. A break up. I did not pull all my running gear and shoes in a box and yelled "Move out!". I decided to take an easier and more gentile approach and give ourselves some "space".
Running has always been my best friend, a lover that will always understand, a shoulder I could cry on, a crutch I can use when everything in the world is going wrong. I have also mistreated it at times, took it for granted, did not appreciate it to the full extent. Perhaps the time came when we both got sick of each other. When our "routine" became boring, when our lives became meaningless and we stopped giving strength to each other, but rather looking at the relationship as mundane and unimportant.

With tears in my eyes, I made a brand new workout routine. It feels weird to feel my arms buffing up and my shoulders shaping up as well... I know I will lose the cardio. I know it will hurt to intentionally take away my love and my best friend of all times. However, this distance is needed for me to grow, to get stronger all over and to learn that running is a gift, a treasure, a privilege.

The dreaded entry Part 1

Don’t push me cus I am close to… mos def singing on my 14 mile run the other day. Finally really got that song, strangely. Im a catalog. You the same song. Damn, say it boy… I was pounding the pavement for good 2 hours after an awesome party.

I hate when parties are over. I always want to play just one last song to make things last just a tad bit longer. Always felt same way about long races. Races you train for months at a time. All the hard work was put in and now at the last mile I dread the finish line. Two weeks ago I finished my first 50 miler and could have kept on going. I could have ran faster but I stuck to my plan. Maybe for the first time I remember my reason took over my ambitions and ego and made things work beautifully. I enjoyed every step of it… Some of those steps landed on roots and rocks and in deep mud, up and down the switchbacks and steep climbs, but every single step was enjoyable in its own way.

I took breaks to look at swamps with ducks and look up at tall ponderosa pines and try to spot a deer in the forest. I opened up my lungs and took deep long breaths. I enjoyed walking up the steep hills taking my time thinking about how grateful I am that I have two strong legs which allow me to have these unforgettable experiences.

The journey of running for me has been parallel to my journey of life. I have had my highs that took my breath away. I have had my lows where I wanted to disappear because I could not stand living in such pain. Running has always been just that. A life long roller coaster. Though regardless of which routes it took me on it made me realize the most important thing about myself. I have no limits. Not in life, not in running, not in anything I give my whole self to. There are times where I run or live strictly on passion with my eyes closed, guided by something internal -- headed forward or backwards or sideways without real direction. Sure, I have been criticized for that by older wiser folk in my life, though I never really regret living or running that way. There is time and place for being serious and there is time and place for letting the wind carry your somewhere into the unknown.

My realization of the later is what I am grateful for the most. Focus is in place, though I still see how good it feels to allow myself feel free to fall into something that perhaps may not seem rational. It’s good to take risks—maybe run in the conditions which are not suitable for running, maybe take on a task in life which could possibly lead to disappointment, eat food that may taste bad!!!

" i got the bug"

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Denn die Todten reiten schnell...

Quote Burger's "Lenore" mentioned in Dracula which I was devouring today.
Energy.
Being surrounded by girls from team has set an incredible tone for the rainy gloomy sunday. Sore throat aside, I screamed "Go get'em" and "Kick it to the finish" at the Ravenswood 5k. Kalina, Lisa and Jessica ran so well. Great to see Holly on her scooter and Christina as well. They both ran the 10 miler yesterday, and Christina came in 2nd! She is so speeedy! It was amazing to see Jon run today too. Just to think how much faster he is running now... His excitement and joy have immediately transfered to me. He sent me the sweetest message thanking me for taking him out running and encouraging and supporting him. He is a sweetheart.

Tapering officially began today. Allergies or cold is what I got. Not sure which it is, though I have plenty of benedryl and claritin laying around from Em's rabbit allergies :) As she enters the appartment, I have it out already. I should just have a drink and a pill next to it on a tray ready for her each time.

I cross trained on eliptical for an hour, then did half hour of upper body and core in between of u.body sets. A woman waiting for eliptical questioned the correct reading of the time on the machine. Yes, it's only an hour and I do like to bust my ass on it ;) Started talking about me running ultras. I tend to start conversations with anyone. I noticed that a while back. Odd.

Weights felt really light today, and I realized that if I focus and let things fall where they belong, things just work out in the most beautiful way.

I saw the city far from the southside as I traveled to meet my new dog sitting client who says "shit" just about after each sentence. City was wrapped up in a blanket of fog as my mind cleared off all the bullshit. Suddenly it came to me again. All of it. It gave me goosebumps, just like earlier in the week when I listen to Neko Case piercing me through and through with her voice and amazing beauty. Memories rushed full force then. Something I learned to shake off and move on. Too tough and skin is too thick.

65 running miles this week and about 60-80 biking miles. By Saturday legs were total shit. I bonked out after 5 on saturday since I was running late again. Running late. Should be the title of a book that I would like to burn or shred. That habbit irritates the living shit out of me. Something I would like to leave behind, unless I accidently start running at an ethopian pace. Might have to run shoe-less and drop a couple douzen pounds at least, which is unimaginable. Hmmmm... but... perhaps doable, regardless.

Less distractions does indeed equal to a happpy T.

20/20, dairy and tapering

Finished the 20/20 workout that Chelsey recommended to do. Basically, it's working on your endurance and ability to still run two long runs back to back. I did 20 miles in the rain on sunday, while stuggling with alergic dairy reaction ( yeah, done did it... never again will I be able to look at yogurt or cheese the same!). Still finished the 20 and picked it up for last 3 miles. At some point my splits were 6:42s. I forgot I could run that!
Today I went out on a nice 20m mid morning and was able to avoid all the rain. I had a lot of energy and felt I could just go and go. That means I am ready to taper in a few days and then kick some ass at Ice age 50 ;)
Somehow things seem a bit more together in my head and I would like to keep it that way. Hold on to that straw as long as I can. Despite my strange experience at the Equinox interview today, followed by a call from bally's in rogers park, I was able to stay in great spirits.

I know that this 50 miler is a sort of a journey for me... Running long distances is such a huge passion of mine, though it must be done wisely and slowly. It's a mental journey above anything.

I hope to take time off running and focus on cross training a lot more in May and June. By mid July I will be ready to pick it up a notch in terms of speed, LTs and quality long runs. My goal is to run a good marathon, which at this point seems like Indianapolis will be the lucky city this year ;)