long time no write

It has been a long time since I have written any significant updates on my running blog. Partially, there was yet another stress fracture last month ( 3rd metatarsal, but right foot this time) and then there was the "Bummer, I am going to miss this 50 miler in October!". Yet another bone scan and numerous doctor visits later, my bone density has not improved but declined, though insignificantly. Dr. N says there is nothing we can do about the bone mass lost and he wants to maintain my bone density at a level it is now. My initial reaction was numbness. I was in some sort of haze for a couple of days. Then, I got angry and I decided that I am not going down without a fight.
Few solutions to this ( and all of these are my own solutions based upon research and trial/error): 1. Go back to my original/lifelong diet of being dairy free. It has slowed me down on all levels ( running, physical, mental) and it is not getting digested properly by my system. 2. Continue including fish in my diet at least twice a week. 3. move to a sunny place and continue with my calcium/vitamin D therapy. 4. Xtrain twice a week ( as I do my strength training and cycling now but add intensity and a bit more variety ( aqua jogging0). 5. Consult with a bone specialist and proceed with my research on bone mass loss/calcium absorption.

My hope is to run a marathon in the winter and start over. Ultras have to be put on back burner until I feel like I am making progress in bone issue.
Meeting with coach to discuss what he thinks about this will also bring some relief.

p.s: Marathon watching was great! It was the first time I ever watched a race that big and, though, it made me very sad that I was not running, I was so happy for my teammates who ran so strong!

dear diary...

It’s a slide show life
Speechlessly communitating in quotes and rhymes
living through emotions and experiences which have all long passed
Footprints of the past
Blindly following somebody else’s dreams
Living expectations
Unreal
Discarded
Pushing away
Bouncing back

dedicated to dean

As my coworker was howling in the unison with 20 dogs and I was scrubbing kennels inside I came to realization that indeed my running sabbatical is over. I read interview with Dean Karnazes in Competitor over and over that day. I stared at his photo until I could not get his image out of my head. Yes, sure, I was hoping for a month off from running, but as second week came to an end, I started pondering if I was able to run at all at that point. I missed it so much, I even dropped tears on the elliptical at work.

Today I set off on easy 10 as my stomach, thighs, calves and even my chin was jiggling. I was realized how far I have to go and how hard I have to train to even get close to the shape I was in last summer. Dean’s interview popped in my head again. “ I am 45 years old. I have 4.5 percent body fat and my resting heart rate is under 40”. Ok, ok, ok. I can do this. I can run and train til I get a nose bleed. After all this guy didn’t even start doing crazy stuff til he hit his 30th birthday, when he set off on a 30 miler after sitting in a pub pounding beers. Yeah, he is a dude and all, but not much different then me. Not at all. He has resourses now, but he did not then. Why can’t I run in 4 deserts? Why can’t I run 50 marathons in 50 days? Why can’t I?
I could not come up with the reason. Sky is the limit, right? Wrong. There is no limit. I have decided on some hard core changes in my life, but none of those changes involve me not running, not competing, not doing the best, not lacing up my shoes in any weather, any condition and setting of on a run. 10 miles? Sure. 50? Why the hell not?
I hope to run 100 next spring. I hope to do Western States and Badwater before I move to Moscow. I don’t hope. No. I plan to do it. I plan to do it as well as I can. I plan to get into Moscow running scene. Live to run and run to live. It will be amazing to find myself in that part of the world again. I plan to run all the major marathons in Europe, Asia and Africa even if that means scraping money for plane ticket for months in advance.

With all that I had two grand ideas as I finished the run today. First, is to organize a transsiberian race or a race along the Volga river. I think that would be completely amazing and hard core. I can find sponsors. No big deal. Runners are tough and can sleep in tents right? There could be a van or two to transport goods and carry the equipment. Maybe we make it into Runner’s World or Guinness book of world records.
Second idea mostly came from dehydration. I don’t know if this exists already but as I had a craving for cold and flavored something, I thought… Why don’t they sell beer popsicles or vodka popsicle at the store? I even came up with a plan how to make them in my fridge!

Perhaps, insanity runs in my blood. I can’t help it. I get bored easily. I hate conformity and being told what to do. Limits is not something I can ever settle on. My body is nearly a shell which if worked and fed properly will perform incredible things. My mind… hmmm, let’s not go there!

Cheers to summer weather and more running adventures.
Xox
TBat

The dreaded entry Part 2

I woke up this morning to the sound of screaming or yelling. Something deep inside was tearing me apart. I was pumped to do my 2 hour run this morning but when i looked at my clothes and shoes, I had this feeling of disgust. Feeling as if I don't want to see it anymore. I don't want to feel good after my run, because I do not need it in my life.

It felt so strange. A break up. I did not pull all my running gear and shoes in a box and yelled "Move out!". I decided to take an easier and more gentile approach and give ourselves some "space".
Running has always been my best friend, a lover that will always understand, a shoulder I could cry on, a crutch I can use when everything in the world is going wrong. I have also mistreated it at times, took it for granted, did not appreciate it to the full extent. Perhaps the time came when we both got sick of each other. When our "routine" became boring, when our lives became meaningless and we stopped giving strength to each other, but rather looking at the relationship as mundane and unimportant.

With tears in my eyes, I made a brand new workout routine. It feels weird to feel my arms buffing up and my shoulders shaping up as well... I know I will lose the cardio. I know it will hurt to intentionally take away my love and my best friend of all times. However, this distance is needed for me to grow, to get stronger all over and to learn that running is a gift, a treasure, a privilege.

The dreaded entry Part 1

Don’t push me cus I am close to… mos def singing on my 14 mile run the other day. Finally really got that song, strangely. Im a catalog. You the same song. Damn, say it boy… I was pounding the pavement for good 2 hours after an awesome party.

I hate when parties are over. I always want to play just one last song to make things last just a tad bit longer. Always felt same way about long races. Races you train for months at a time. All the hard work was put in and now at the last mile I dread the finish line. Two weeks ago I finished my first 50 miler and could have kept on going. I could have ran faster but I stuck to my plan. Maybe for the first time I remember my reason took over my ambitions and ego and made things work beautifully. I enjoyed every step of it… Some of those steps landed on roots and rocks and in deep mud, up and down the switchbacks and steep climbs, but every single step was enjoyable in its own way.

I took breaks to look at swamps with ducks and look up at tall ponderosa pines and try to spot a deer in the forest. I opened up my lungs and took deep long breaths. I enjoyed walking up the steep hills taking my time thinking about how grateful I am that I have two strong legs which allow me to have these unforgettable experiences.

The journey of running for me has been parallel to my journey of life. I have had my highs that took my breath away. I have had my lows where I wanted to disappear because I could not stand living in such pain. Running has always been just that. A life long roller coaster. Though regardless of which routes it took me on it made me realize the most important thing about myself. I have no limits. Not in life, not in running, not in anything I give my whole self to. There are times where I run or live strictly on passion with my eyes closed, guided by something internal -- headed forward or backwards or sideways without real direction. Sure, I have been criticized for that by older wiser folk in my life, though I never really regret living or running that way. There is time and place for being serious and there is time and place for letting the wind carry your somewhere into the unknown.

My realization of the later is what I am grateful for the most. Focus is in place, though I still see how good it feels to allow myself feel free to fall into something that perhaps may not seem rational. It’s good to take risks—maybe run in the conditions which are not suitable for running, maybe take on a task in life which could possibly lead to disappointment, eat food that may taste bad!!!

" i got the bug"

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Denn die Todten reiten schnell...

Quote Burger's "Lenore" mentioned in Dracula which I was devouring today.
Energy.
Being surrounded by girls from team has set an incredible tone for the rainy gloomy sunday. Sore throat aside, I screamed "Go get'em" and "Kick it to the finish" at the Ravenswood 5k. Kalina, Lisa and Jessica ran so well. Great to see Holly on her scooter and Christina as well. They both ran the 10 miler yesterday, and Christina came in 2nd! She is so speeedy! It was amazing to see Jon run today too. Just to think how much faster he is running now... His excitement and joy have immediately transfered to me. He sent me the sweetest message thanking me for taking him out running and encouraging and supporting him. He is a sweetheart.

Tapering officially began today. Allergies or cold is what I got. Not sure which it is, though I have plenty of benedryl and claritin laying around from Em's rabbit allergies :) As she enters the appartment, I have it out already. I should just have a drink and a pill next to it on a tray ready for her each time.

I cross trained on eliptical for an hour, then did half hour of upper body and core in between of u.body sets. A woman waiting for eliptical questioned the correct reading of the time on the machine. Yes, it's only an hour and I do like to bust my ass on it ;) Started talking about me running ultras. I tend to start conversations with anyone. I noticed that a while back. Odd.

Weights felt really light today, and I realized that if I focus and let things fall where they belong, things just work out in the most beautiful way.

I saw the city far from the southside as I traveled to meet my new dog sitting client who says "shit" just about after each sentence. City was wrapped up in a blanket of fog as my mind cleared off all the bullshit. Suddenly it came to me again. All of it. It gave me goosebumps, just like earlier in the week when I listen to Neko Case piercing me through and through with her voice and amazing beauty. Memories rushed full force then. Something I learned to shake off and move on. Too tough and skin is too thick.

65 running miles this week and about 60-80 biking miles. By Saturday legs were total shit. I bonked out after 5 on saturday since I was running late again. Running late. Should be the title of a book that I would like to burn or shred. That habbit irritates the living shit out of me. Something I would like to leave behind, unless I accidently start running at an ethopian pace. Might have to run shoe-less and drop a couple douzen pounds at least, which is unimaginable. Hmmmm... but... perhaps doable, regardless.

Less distractions does indeed equal to a happpy T.

20/20, dairy and tapering

Finished the 20/20 workout that Chelsey recommended to do. Basically, it's working on your endurance and ability to still run two long runs back to back. I did 20 miles in the rain on sunday, while stuggling with alergic dairy reaction ( yeah, done did it... never again will I be able to look at yogurt or cheese the same!). Still finished the 20 and picked it up for last 3 miles. At some point my splits were 6:42s. I forgot I could run that!
Today I went out on a nice 20m mid morning and was able to avoid all the rain. I had a lot of energy and felt I could just go and go. That means I am ready to taper in a few days and then kick some ass at Ice age 50 ;)
Somehow things seem a bit more together in my head and I would like to keep it that way. Hold on to that straw as long as I can. Despite my strange experience at the Equinox interview today, followed by a call from bally's in rogers park, I was able to stay in great spirits.

I know that this 50 miler is a sort of a journey for me... Running long distances is such a huge passion of mine, though it must be done wisely and slowly. It's a mental journey above anything.

I hope to take time off running and focus on cross training a lot more in May and June. By mid July I will be ready to pick it up a notch in terms of speed, LTs and quality long runs. My goal is to run a good marathon, which at this point seems like Indianapolis will be the lucky city this year ;)

This morning I felt like the bed should just swallow me at once. Dreams were haunting me again and words were still echoing in my head from last night: "why wouldn't we?", "no you wouldn't", " i am a big girl".

all of this was spinning in my head as I tried to just get the hell up. Making mistakes, falling back, falling right through me. I felt like a filter for all of their emotions, their sadness, their happiness, frustrations, admiration, hints, clues.. just too much in my head again and my raw emotions were completely exposed again and I felt vulnerable and helpless.

"suppose pms doesn't quite help with all of this", I thought as I glanced at my calendar.
Head still pounding in unison with heart so I threw on the headphones and headed for the door. Time was flying by as my legs filled with led carried me again along chicago river and away from downward spiral of my thoughts. I was making my own english lyrics to eisbrecher and singing along to "sonne" by rammstein.
This was the only break I ever get .. when I am out there.. just me and the road.. head is clear.. everything is just right.

Legs felt a little off today. A little heavy after 35.5 miles at Waterfall Glenn this last sunday. It was beautiful, sunny, windy, rolling hills.. Trail filled with possibilities. Every rock spoke to me. My lungs were hurting just from breathing pure air filled with smells of pine trees and swamps. I slowed myself down on every incline, and definitely up the big hill on every loop. Took it easy at 9m/mile pace. By the 5th hour I didn't have the urge to sprint the downhills or hurdle the "No parking" trail signs. Cyclists were cheering me on. I even heard a "Go get'em" on my last loop from a couple walking their dog :) I didn't want to stop by had to return the car, and I think I started to freak people out on the trail. Happily I drove back to the city feeling accomplished.

I still fill a little out of focus. My body is ready. My mind is.. work in progress.

This goes out to the week from hell and to being grateful

I felt like a lens out of focus since sunday. Suddenly, there were way too many people in my life, wanting, needing, crying, laughing, asking and advising. My chest slowly closed up and I felt tight and sore all over. It wasn't from the run. It was from feeling completely overwhelmed.

By midweek, someone played a cruel joke on me and took something out of my life and taught me a lesson once again that came at great price. I didn't ask for it, but I saw my control of everything living and not living vanish right in front of me. I tried so hard. I pushed my emotional and physical limits and it still was not enough. It did not change the outcome. The life was still gone and I saw it disappear, slip through my fingers and ... it was gone forever. It gave me an ugly aftertaste. It shook me up, flipped me upside down in mid air and left me hanging suspended by one leg from the roof of a tall building.

Thursday went better, but just a smidge. By night time, my heart was full of hope and it was beating so loud that no matter how fast I rode all the 25 miles through the city that day, I still felt that everyone heard and everyone listened. Then it skipped a beat or two, and once again I saw the reflection of reality through somebody else's eyes. They didn't say much, but ... yes, of course, words are very unnecessary. They do indeed bring harm at times.

I woke up Friday not feeling like I was able to run at all. It was a rough night and I felt so disappointed in myself and being out of focus again. I hated everything I did today. I hated my run, I hated that things at worke just went in the most fucked up way. That I wasn't told and then was looked down at. I felt like a 4 year old again, surrounded by adults speaking in language I could not comprehend. It made me so little, perhaps part of today I didn't even exist.

So, I decided to say "fuck it" and finish my 15 miles of running today by 2 more miles to the brown line. I was cold as hell, since I ran in shorts and was outside all day long with dogs. The wind was strong and steady. I trotted down chicago avenue for a mile and a half. Once I hit the highway, I looked over to the right of me and saw the skyline. The taste of the city. The sun was going down and reflecting off of the buildings. There was strange quietness and hum of the cars and the airplane somewhere above. It all looked surreal. Me in shorts stuffed with just enough change to jump on the El, the kid walking up the bridge in headphones and cap turned sideways, the biker grinning at me as she passes me, the downhill and the tail wind... it was all just perfect tonight.

Maybe this week was leading up to this... appreciation of small things, healthy legs, beautiful city, my four legged pals that sometimes leave my life a little too soon and unexpected, random conversations with people I barely know...
it's all beautiful and for that I am grateful.

My midterm exam- Chicago Lakefront 50k April 4,2009

First of all, I was not planning to race, but that idea went out of the window once the gun went off. I was feeling all kinds of queezy and stomach was rumbling. I guess I have forgotten that It was only a "training run" as soon as I realized there were people running in front of me. God forbid! My ego was pounding louder and louder inside my chest and I started to slowly turn into an asshole competitive runner once again. I must have forgotten the stress fracture completely. Only 3 months ago, I was still limping around while walking. Mind works in mysterious ways.

My first pacer and good friend (and yes, I am special because I had sooo much support!) David Berg from the Fleet Feet team, was trying to keep me at 8 min/mile pace, but that did not work entirely. I have a very strong character and David is very gentile and nice with me ( not like Holly, who was yelling "SLOW DOWN" at me). So we went out way faster than 8. Were running under 7:45s for sure til mile 5. Course was EXTREMELY counfusing to me. The course map was not on the website and since I ran this race 2 years ago I assumed it was the same lay out!! Little did I know. It was not. Moreover, there were no mile markers, no volunteers along the course (aside from aid stations) and the only indication of direction we had were the occasional spray paint arrows on the gravel. GREAT!! I knew that it's a crowded path ( Cara runs there, also there was a 5k going on and an early 50k start) but I was not aware of the change of the course at all.

Once my pacer David could not keep up the pace I was pushing ( 7:30s) at that point, I took off right at 5.5 miles and starting busting my ass, because I was running without the garmin and thought we were running a 9m/mile pace which we obviously were not!! So I took off running a 7mmile pace most likely ( just my guess)? And ran as fast as I could to the finish line ( or at least where I thought the finish line was). I was not sure if the course was out and back or not, so I stayed on the path looking for arrows.

The lead guys were so far in front of me I lost sight of them. The rest of the pack was way far behind me... I kept running and suddenly saw the lead guys on the other side of the golf course!!!!!!!!!!! I paniced. My hands started to shake. I thought maybe I should turn around but at that point I already ran a mile along the path and there was no turning back. I ran through grass like a dillussional lunatic til I hit the harbor around Montrose and continued on the "right" path. Holly was waiting me at the turn around point to start loop 2 and I was dillusionally thinking I was running extremely slow this whole time, when I came to find out that I was 5 minutes ahead of time! The lead guys were stunned to see me at the turn around point. There was nothing I could do. I knew I was about 5 minutes ahead by default, because I took a wrong turn.

I continued to run, still shaking and Holly (teammate and friend) supporting me the whole 21 miles. She was amazing. So was Christina who joined us at loop 3. We ran a steady (ish) pace. I didn't. They did. ha ha ha. So I was kept on track at about 7:50 pace for last 21 miles. I insisted on adding another 2 minutes of running at the end of loop 3 but I knew that would not be enough. I finished few minutes ahead of 2nd woman, but my time should have been at least 4 hours not 3:57. At least. Alas, I have no proof. I emailed race director and told him that after I got my splits off of garmin from Holly, the time of my finish was wrong so I would like to correct it or just take my name off the race completly. It blows. It hurts. I am still on verge of tears. This is the fastest I ran a 50k EVER without even racing it. I did not do my best, because that was not the plan, however I am upset that course was badly marked, without proper staff and mile markers.
I threw the race. I took my name off. I was an invisible runner who made a couple of stupid mistakes.

Lessons I learned during my "midterm" ultra:
- Ego will get me hurt, confuse me and prevent me from finishing the 50 miler. Chasing after the lead during an ultra is simply stupid and unrealistic. Running *my* pace, however, will put me at exactly where I need to be.
- Running way faster than planned especially during the first part of the run is simply running on "emotions" and adrenaline. It's stupid running. Not strategic. Leads to getting "lost" or running off course and burning the fuel early in the run. This will also lead to having nothing left towards the end of the run ( though, this does not apply to the 50k. I was whining about my neck but my legs were really fine. I had energy to kick it to the finish line too).
- Eating and drinking- very important! I have to admit I did a pretty damn good job at it, so kuddos to me for that . ( See, guys, I am not beating myself down completely here! haahahaha).
-Paying attention to course map ahead and not being overly confident about the course layout even if I ran the race before. The route can always be changed ( like it happened this year).
- Learning how to "obey" the pacers. They know best. So shut up and run the pace which was discussed prior to race/event. Do not burn out the pacer and outrun them!!
- My training plan this winter which consists of only 4 days of running/core and rest as cross/weight lifting/spinning/core days is working just great so far. ( Another positive note here).

In the end, I am overwhelemed by the support I receive from my Fleet Feet friends and my close friends and brother. In the end, it comes down to being a more attentive runner and stick to the plan, not to the emotions and extreme competitive character which I sadly possess. There will be a fall marathon this year. It will be good. I will race it even through a nose bleed and tears. If I stay smart, I will run it at 3 hours flat or under. If I train hard and stick to * my * plan, everything will fall into its place.
The road to recovery is happily over. Now the real work is ahead of me.
Ice Age 50.. I am ready for ya!