Training of the mind

As I was making my way up Mokapuu road on my chicago schwinn *grin*, I realized something. I have been battling with the idea of how is it possible for me to move forward mentally and away from the insecurities, fears, emotional traumas of the past.Words of my friend echoed in my soul as i peddled and peddled, nearly stuck and not able to turn over. "your mind is just a muscle. you trained your body to do impossible, now it's time to train you mind to do just the same."

It hit me.

Wow! "No shit!", I thought. I did exactly that. It was easy for me to build up my stamina, my endurance, now my strength. My body is trained to recover fast from most serious injuries. I am nearly 70 or 80% after a little over a month of getting a giant plate and screws inserted in my femur. After my muscles were cut in half, I am already able to walk up to 10 or 12 miles, bike 25 miles, hike and swim a little, lift weights as if nothing happened.

But EVERYTHING happened. It's just that I trained my body little by little, pushing harder and harder to overcome.

It is the same thing with my brain, my mind, my soul. So much has been done to them, so much damage and so much trauma was caused both by my environment and myself. It's a long road ahead, but it only has to be as long as I make it. I can drag it out, run away from it, or I can face it and deal, be aware, work through all those things. Little by little training my mind and soul to RECOVER just as quickly as my body does now.

This is very exciting as I continue healing physically, I am now ready to heal emotionally as well.

Happy thoughts..and much aloha

flying mouse and island living.

Journey of a thousand, a million, an eternity of steps is unfolding most beautifully, perhaps, most painfully at times, yet in the end, with most amazing outcomes.

The next chapter of my book is writing itself without any help of it narrator. The thoughts and memories flooding in. I am unveiling slowly and carefully that which has been silenced my entire life. Amazing people, angels in my life, so few and so rare... how blessed I am to find out who they are and how deep do I feel my connection with them now, how carefully do I listen to each one of their words.

Numbing was nice. Numbing myself was easy. Running my body into the ground was easy. Uncovering and dealing and being aware hurts more than the stainless steel plate and all the damn screws put together.. all the rest of the scars on my body... the scariest moments of physical pain do not hurt this much.

In happiness, in excitement but in stillness and with much aloha...

Forever
Tone

long time no write

It has been a long time since I have written any significant updates on my running blog. Partially, there was yet another stress fracture last month ( 3rd metatarsal, but right foot this time) and then there was the "Bummer, I am going to miss this 50 miler in October!". Yet another bone scan and numerous doctor visits later, my bone density has not improved but declined, though insignificantly. Dr. N says there is nothing we can do about the bone mass lost and he wants to maintain my bone density at a level it is now. My initial reaction was numbness. I was in some sort of haze for a couple of days. Then, I got angry and I decided that I am not going down without a fight.
Few solutions to this ( and all of these are my own solutions based upon research and trial/error): 1. Go back to my original/lifelong diet of being dairy free. It has slowed me down on all levels ( running, physical, mental) and it is not getting digested properly by my system. 2. Continue including fish in my diet at least twice a week. 3. move to a sunny place and continue with my calcium/vitamin D therapy. 4. Xtrain twice a week ( as I do my strength training and cycling now but add intensity and a bit more variety ( aqua jogging0). 5. Consult with a bone specialist and proceed with my research on bone mass loss/calcium absorption.

My hope is to run a marathon in the winter and start over. Ultras have to be put on back burner until I feel like I am making progress in bone issue.
Meeting with coach to discuss what he thinks about this will also bring some relief.

p.s: Marathon watching was great! It was the first time I ever watched a race that big and, though, it made me very sad that I was not running, I was so happy for my teammates who ran so strong!

dear diary...

It’s a slide show life
Speechlessly communitating in quotes and rhymes
living through emotions and experiences which have all long passed
Footprints of the past
Blindly following somebody else’s dreams
Living expectations
Unreal
Discarded
Pushing away
Bouncing back

dedicated to dean

As my coworker was howling in the unison with 20 dogs and I was scrubbing kennels inside I came to realization that indeed my running sabbatical is over. I read interview with Dean Karnazes in Competitor over and over that day. I stared at his photo until I could not get his image out of my head. Yes, sure, I was hoping for a month off from running, but as second week came to an end, I started pondering if I was able to run at all at that point. I missed it so much, I even dropped tears on the elliptical at work.

Today I set off on easy 10 as my stomach, thighs, calves and even my chin was jiggling. I was realized how far I have to go and how hard I have to train to even get close to the shape I was in last summer. Dean’s interview popped in my head again. “ I am 45 years old. I have 4.5 percent body fat and my resting heart rate is under 40”. Ok, ok, ok. I can do this. I can run and train til I get a nose bleed. After all this guy didn’t even start doing crazy stuff til he hit his 30th birthday, when he set off on a 30 miler after sitting in a pub pounding beers. Yeah, he is a dude and all, but not much different then me. Not at all. He has resourses now, but he did not then. Why can’t I run in 4 deserts? Why can’t I run 50 marathons in 50 days? Why can’t I?
I could not come up with the reason. Sky is the limit, right? Wrong. There is no limit. I have decided on some hard core changes in my life, but none of those changes involve me not running, not competing, not doing the best, not lacing up my shoes in any weather, any condition and setting of on a run. 10 miles? Sure. 50? Why the hell not?
I hope to run 100 next spring. I hope to do Western States and Badwater before I move to Moscow. I don’t hope. No. I plan to do it. I plan to do it as well as I can. I plan to get into Moscow running scene. Live to run and run to live. It will be amazing to find myself in that part of the world again. I plan to run all the major marathons in Europe, Asia and Africa even if that means scraping money for plane ticket for months in advance.

With all that I had two grand ideas as I finished the run today. First, is to organize a transsiberian race or a race along the Volga river. I think that would be completely amazing and hard core. I can find sponsors. No big deal. Runners are tough and can sleep in tents right? There could be a van or two to transport goods and carry the equipment. Maybe we make it into Runner’s World or Guinness book of world records.
Second idea mostly came from dehydration. I don’t know if this exists already but as I had a craving for cold and flavored something, I thought… Why don’t they sell beer popsicles or vodka popsicle at the store? I even came up with a plan how to make them in my fridge!

Perhaps, insanity runs in my blood. I can’t help it. I get bored easily. I hate conformity and being told what to do. Limits is not something I can ever settle on. My body is nearly a shell which if worked and fed properly will perform incredible things. My mind… hmmm, let’s not go there!

Cheers to summer weather and more running adventures.
Xox
TBat

The dreaded entry Part 2

I woke up this morning to the sound of screaming or yelling. Something deep inside was tearing me apart. I was pumped to do my 2 hour run this morning but when i looked at my clothes and shoes, I had this feeling of disgust. Feeling as if I don't want to see it anymore. I don't want to feel good after my run, because I do not need it in my life.

It felt so strange. A break up. I did not pull all my running gear and shoes in a box and yelled "Move out!". I decided to take an easier and more gentile approach and give ourselves some "space".
Running has always been my best friend, a lover that will always understand, a shoulder I could cry on, a crutch I can use when everything in the world is going wrong. I have also mistreated it at times, took it for granted, did not appreciate it to the full extent. Perhaps the time came when we both got sick of each other. When our "routine" became boring, when our lives became meaningless and we stopped giving strength to each other, but rather looking at the relationship as mundane and unimportant.

With tears in my eyes, I made a brand new workout routine. It feels weird to feel my arms buffing up and my shoulders shaping up as well... I know I will lose the cardio. I know it will hurt to intentionally take away my love and my best friend of all times. However, this distance is needed for me to grow, to get stronger all over and to learn that running is a gift, a treasure, a privilege.

The dreaded entry Part 1

Don’t push me cus I am close to… mos def singing on my 14 mile run the other day. Finally really got that song, strangely. Im a catalog. You the same song. Damn, say it boy… I was pounding the pavement for good 2 hours after an awesome party.

I hate when parties are over. I always want to play just one last song to make things last just a tad bit longer. Always felt same way about long races. Races you train for months at a time. All the hard work was put in and now at the last mile I dread the finish line. Two weeks ago I finished my first 50 miler and could have kept on going. I could have ran faster but I stuck to my plan. Maybe for the first time I remember my reason took over my ambitions and ego and made things work beautifully. I enjoyed every step of it… Some of those steps landed on roots and rocks and in deep mud, up and down the switchbacks and steep climbs, but every single step was enjoyable in its own way.

I took breaks to look at swamps with ducks and look up at tall ponderosa pines and try to spot a deer in the forest. I opened up my lungs and took deep long breaths. I enjoyed walking up the steep hills taking my time thinking about how grateful I am that I have two strong legs which allow me to have these unforgettable experiences.

The journey of running for me has been parallel to my journey of life. I have had my highs that took my breath away. I have had my lows where I wanted to disappear because I could not stand living in such pain. Running has always been just that. A life long roller coaster. Though regardless of which routes it took me on it made me realize the most important thing about myself. I have no limits. Not in life, not in running, not in anything I give my whole self to. There are times where I run or live strictly on passion with my eyes closed, guided by something internal -- headed forward or backwards or sideways without real direction. Sure, I have been criticized for that by older wiser folk in my life, though I never really regret living or running that way. There is time and place for being serious and there is time and place for letting the wind carry your somewhere into the unknown.

My realization of the later is what I am grateful for the most. Focus is in place, though I still see how good it feels to allow myself feel free to fall into something that perhaps may not seem rational. It’s good to take risks—maybe run in the conditions which are not suitable for running, maybe take on a task in life which could possibly lead to disappointment, eat food that may taste bad!!!