Definition by default

Default logic was proposed by Raymond Reiter, canadian computer scientist and logician. We have programmed ourselves to come to quick conclusions, a lot of the times, and assumptions not only about others but also about ourselves.

I plead guilty. I judge myself every second, every breath, every blink of an eye. Sometimes I judge others without being aware of it. Something snapped during my yoga practice this morning.

I took my time to unwind after it at the beach, embracing the nature, submerging my heart and my head. The definitions of myself which i repeat constantly and silently have surfaced. So often I define myself as so and so and feel the need to fill those positions. I am a runner. I am a warrior. I am tough. I am unbreakable. I can not be hurt. I am not weak. All those nouns and adjectives are then linked with definitions: some harmful, some strong and upright but mostly completely unnecessary.

Letting go of what is "known", what is "established", something you are so used to that you become your own robot. Functioning versus living. The challenge is most exciting.

299,792,458 metres per second

My brain often moves with the speed of light and for the longest time I made it my priority to physically catch up to that until I realized how pointless this race is.
The problem with the rat race, as famous quote goes, is that even if you win, you are still a rat.

In yoga, my instructors often say that there is no competition. It's just you and your mind and body. You are pushing only as far as your mind/body allows and accepting and breathing... One move at a time.

It's what I am learning here, on the island: to slow down. The noise of street, of neighbors, of barking dogs, of moving trucks, even of rain pounding on the sidewalk as palm trees whisper loudly by my window... all that fades and it's just me and my mind.

Things are always hard, always challenging. They always have been- ever since I remember myself. Last month or two, I have been saying things out loud:"what is the message? what am I supposed to do?". The challenges became, what I thought, impossible and I saw no way out. The answer was to not "do" anything but rather to accept, wait and learn. Even what seemed impossible at the time ended up being a great lesson and a rewarding obstacle.

85 degrees of awakening.

This morning instead of my usual "go go go run walk bike climb lift" hectic chaos of thoughts, I woke up calmly realizing that it's yoga morning.

Yoga @ Aloha Yoga Kula is a hard experience for me. Each time it's a battle to get out of the door, knowing how painful it may be for me physically and mentally, mostly mentally. I bite my lip not to cry in the middle of the class, or go into a panic attack during savasana. The outcome is most magnificent as usual. I re-programmed my body and instead of a hike and some grueling hours in the beating 85 degree sun ( though cool and breezy), my mind turned to a 3.2 mile run and some potting/planting/weeding of my little garden followed by hours of opera listening on 88.1fm while crawling around outside in my bikini.

Most grateful, aware, focused and healing...
Ultra T

Disclaimer: No REAL beer was actually given to the plant babies.

backwards. forwards.

7 weeks post surgery. Long long weeks. I seem to make good progress of getting back into shape and then I slide back into disappointment. It's harder than I thought to go through mental and physical changers alone. Of course, I feel the energy of few close friends and my immediate family, but bottom line I am here alone and only I can change my way of thinking, acting, reacting and evolving

At this point, physically I am getting back to gym 2-3 days/week for stair climbing, core and upper body session. I ride to the gym 5 miles there/5 back. Saddle road continues to kick my ass with the steep inclines and rolling hills. It's a challenge just to get to the gym some days. Other days, I am walking 3 miles and add light biking or a 2-3 mile run at the end of the day. I found out that running first thing in the morning is very painful because my body is super stiff. On weekends or sometimes during the week if I feel up to it I climb some mountains by my house, usually Keolu hills.

Mentally, I am still sorting through the "trash" in my mind. I have to say, I am proud of myself for really focusing and tuning out the "noise". I have settled on no tv, haven't gone out to a bar really since Chicago ( 7 long months ago!), picked up some books to read at library and continue to do research for going back to school. In fact, I applied to start taking pre req to grad school courses at local community college.

Yes, sometimes it feels that all I am doing is backtracking through my memories, reliving my mistakes over and over, but I am learning and training and it takes practice to become good at anything. I should know this :)

Training of the mind

As I was making my way up Mokapuu road on my chicago schwinn *grin*, I realized something. I have been battling with the idea of how is it possible for me to move forward mentally and away from the insecurities, fears, emotional traumas of the past.Words of my friend echoed in my soul as i peddled and peddled, nearly stuck and not able to turn over. "your mind is just a muscle. you trained your body to do impossible, now it's time to train you mind to do just the same."

It hit me.

Wow! "No shit!", I thought. I did exactly that. It was easy for me to build up my stamina, my endurance, now my strength. My body is trained to recover fast from most serious injuries. I am nearly 70 or 80% after a little over a month of getting a giant plate and screws inserted in my femur. After my muscles were cut in half, I am already able to walk up to 10 or 12 miles, bike 25 miles, hike and swim a little, lift weights as if nothing happened.

But EVERYTHING happened. It's just that I trained my body little by little, pushing harder and harder to overcome.

It is the same thing with my brain, my mind, my soul. So much has been done to them, so much damage and so much trauma was caused both by my environment and myself. It's a long road ahead, but it only has to be as long as I make it. I can drag it out, run away from it, or I can face it and deal, be aware, work through all those things. Little by little training my mind and soul to RECOVER just as quickly as my body does now.

This is very exciting as I continue healing physically, I am now ready to heal emotionally as well.

Happy thoughts..and much aloha

flying mouse and island living.

Journey of a thousand, a million, an eternity of steps is unfolding most beautifully, perhaps, most painfully at times, yet in the end, with most amazing outcomes.

The next chapter of my book is writing itself without any help of it narrator. The thoughts and memories flooding in. I am unveiling slowly and carefully that which has been silenced my entire life. Amazing people, angels in my life, so few and so rare... how blessed I am to find out who they are and how deep do I feel my connection with them now, how carefully do I listen to each one of their words.

Numbing was nice. Numbing myself was easy. Running my body into the ground was easy. Uncovering and dealing and being aware hurts more than the stainless steel plate and all the damn screws put together.. all the rest of the scars on my body... the scariest moments of physical pain do not hurt this much.

In happiness, in excitement but in stillness and with much aloha...

Forever
Tone

long time no write

It has been a long time since I have written any significant updates on my running blog. Partially, there was yet another stress fracture last month ( 3rd metatarsal, but right foot this time) and then there was the "Bummer, I am going to miss this 50 miler in October!". Yet another bone scan and numerous doctor visits later, my bone density has not improved but declined, though insignificantly. Dr. N says there is nothing we can do about the bone mass lost and he wants to maintain my bone density at a level it is now. My initial reaction was numbness. I was in some sort of haze for a couple of days. Then, I got angry and I decided that I am not going down without a fight.
Few solutions to this ( and all of these are my own solutions based upon research and trial/error): 1. Go back to my original/lifelong diet of being dairy free. It has slowed me down on all levels ( running, physical, mental) and it is not getting digested properly by my system. 2. Continue including fish in my diet at least twice a week. 3. move to a sunny place and continue with my calcium/vitamin D therapy. 4. Xtrain twice a week ( as I do my strength training and cycling now but add intensity and a bit more variety ( aqua jogging0). 5. Consult with a bone specialist and proceed with my research on bone mass loss/calcium absorption.

My hope is to run a marathon in the winter and start over. Ultras have to be put on back burner until I feel like I am making progress in bone issue.
Meeting with coach to discuss what he thinks about this will also bring some relief.

p.s: Marathon watching was great! It was the first time I ever watched a race that big and, though, it made me very sad that I was not running, I was so happy for my teammates who ran so strong!