nov 2010

Crystal clear baby blue noise
Fireflies burning tiny holes in my caloused feet
As she touches and radiates
Maybe moreor nothing at all
Furnishing my insides
with permanent aniques
Polishing dull surfaces...
And the voices fade--
Dispurse in endless silver,
Quietly moaning in remeniscence of
love lost.

Scared children-- they stand aside pretentiously loud.

Expect the unexpected.

Because when you think you have it figured out, when you think you found your passion, when you think that "this is it"... life flips it upside down and strikes your with a series of surprises.

Blessed with my two feet, with one and a half legs that work, with heart that beats, with eyes that see the magnificence of amazing life, with beauty which is indescribabale, with strength, determination and passion which have no bounds or limits.

happiness is what I found in my journey. Happiness of unexpected.

crazy

Another "you are crazy" compliment yesterday when I mentioned that I run 3.5 miles to and 3.5 miles from work.
If "sanity" is defined by laziness, by taking the gifts of having an able body, the opportunity to inhale and exhale at your leisure, involuntarily, the gifts of sight, smell, touch, the gifts of love for this beauty of a world for granted... If "sanity" means all those things... of not knowing and not wanting to, then, damn it, I would rather be "crazy".

Tonight is full moon... when the silhouettes of palm trees turn to dancing shadows, when each step is a new journey, when each breath gives you wings, when your cup that is filled to the rim is overflowing with beauty, when your heart explodes and shatters into thousands of stars and floats up closer and closer to her magnetic hypnotizing eyes.

out of all places... or why I run.

Feeling the asphalt and gravel under my feet again. My heart is screaming from joy as I start plugging away up Pali road, passing one of the Heaiaus on my way.

My IT band, my left quad, my knee cap, my left hip flexor are all being pulled up and pinched by the stainless steel screws and plate but the pain is so settle compared to the explosion of my soul at the moment. I AM RUNNING.

Rolling hills, dips,downhills and even a dead boar on a side of Kapaa Quarry as I am preparing myself for the last 3 miles of this run. Trees hovering over narrow road with no shoulder but plenty of work trucks and beautiful smells.

I pass another Heaiau and pretend I am here 40 years ago where all the roads were this small and swamps surrounded the area, cars were few and far between, banyan trees spreading their fingers, luring you into their world.

I take a turn, inhaling thousands of hibiscus flowers at once. Running on a narrow ledge of brush and gravel. I am content. I am running in this moment. This breath. This exhale is all that exists for me. The touch of my foot and the heat of the ground is all I can feel.

Suddenly, there is a green station wagon which slows down and stops right next to me. Oh, a bald move from my secret fans. Window rolls down as I continue leaping forward. "Out of all the roads, this would be the last one I would chose for running"- pair of giant pearl earrings, red lipstick and flowered haole face says to me with a smile.
I turn my head. My chicago instinct yells: "Get the Ef out of my face and mind your own efin business, you white dummy."
Yet, my content island self utters the following:" Well, you are not running, are you? you are DRIVING! See ya!". I smile really big and wave as her jaw drops and she speeds away into the horizon. I take a huge leap forward over a giant cut down stump of a tree.

Many questions arise as a surf boy drives past me in VW bus with a long board strapped to the roof top, giving me a huge smile and a raised eye brow.
My spirit is calm again and I wonder what I find so compelling in "out of all places" to take the most beautiful road, the most difficult journey, the exhausting trip down many roads less traveled by others, to follow the passion for real freedom, where nothing stands between the heat of your body and the energy of this earth?!

I suppose that after all the pain which I caused my own self, the one thing which will never change is my longing for that connection with the ground, the ground which heals your deepest wounds, the roads which are endless, the journey during which you discover the darkest and deepest fears and find most simplest and most pure joy.

There is no longer the obsession with more, but rather the uniqueness of each moment. Each moment that my foot strikes the ground. Each moment my lungs feel like collapsing. Each moment my blood pumps into my heart. Gratitude for being free to have this connection with most sacred places in my soul, most sacred places of this ground...
Journeys, which "out of ALL places", others would even fathom to start.

Definition by default

Default logic was proposed by Raymond Reiter, canadian computer scientist and logician. We have programmed ourselves to come to quick conclusions, a lot of the times, and assumptions not only about others but also about ourselves.

I plead guilty. I judge myself every second, every breath, every blink of an eye. Sometimes I judge others without being aware of it. Something snapped during my yoga practice this morning.

I took my time to unwind after it at the beach, embracing the nature, submerging my heart and my head. The definitions of myself which i repeat constantly and silently have surfaced. So often I define myself as so and so and feel the need to fill those positions. I am a runner. I am a warrior. I am tough. I am unbreakable. I can not be hurt. I am not weak. All those nouns and adjectives are then linked with definitions: some harmful, some strong and upright but mostly completely unnecessary.

Letting go of what is "known", what is "established", something you are so used to that you become your own robot. Functioning versus living. The challenge is most exciting.

299,792,458 metres per second

My brain often moves with the speed of light and for the longest time I made it my priority to physically catch up to that until I realized how pointless this race is.
The problem with the rat race, as famous quote goes, is that even if you win, you are still a rat.

In yoga, my instructors often say that there is no competition. It's just you and your mind and body. You are pushing only as far as your mind/body allows and accepting and breathing... One move at a time.

It's what I am learning here, on the island: to slow down. The noise of street, of neighbors, of barking dogs, of moving trucks, even of rain pounding on the sidewalk as palm trees whisper loudly by my window... all that fades and it's just me and my mind.

Things are always hard, always challenging. They always have been- ever since I remember myself. Last month or two, I have been saying things out loud:"what is the message? what am I supposed to do?". The challenges became, what I thought, impossible and I saw no way out. The answer was to not "do" anything but rather to accept, wait and learn. Even what seemed impossible at the time ended up being a great lesson and a rewarding obstacle.

85 degrees of awakening.

This morning instead of my usual "go go go run walk bike climb lift" hectic chaos of thoughts, I woke up calmly realizing that it's yoga morning.

Yoga @ Aloha Yoga Kula is a hard experience for me. Each time it's a battle to get out of the door, knowing how painful it may be for me physically and mentally, mostly mentally. I bite my lip not to cry in the middle of the class, or go into a panic attack during savasana. The outcome is most magnificent as usual. I re-programmed my body and instead of a hike and some grueling hours in the beating 85 degree sun ( though cool and breezy), my mind turned to a 3.2 mile run and some potting/planting/weeding of my little garden followed by hours of opera listening on 88.1fm while crawling around outside in my bikini.

Most grateful, aware, focused and healing...
Ultra T

Disclaimer: No REAL beer was actually given to the plant babies.

backwards. forwards.

7 weeks post surgery. Long long weeks. I seem to make good progress of getting back into shape and then I slide back into disappointment. It's harder than I thought to go through mental and physical changers alone. Of course, I feel the energy of few close friends and my immediate family, but bottom line I am here alone and only I can change my way of thinking, acting, reacting and evolving

At this point, physically I am getting back to gym 2-3 days/week for stair climbing, core and upper body session. I ride to the gym 5 miles there/5 back. Saddle road continues to kick my ass with the steep inclines and rolling hills. It's a challenge just to get to the gym some days. Other days, I am walking 3 miles and add light biking or a 2-3 mile run at the end of the day. I found out that running first thing in the morning is very painful because my body is super stiff. On weekends or sometimes during the week if I feel up to it I climb some mountains by my house, usually Keolu hills.

Mentally, I am still sorting through the "trash" in my mind. I have to say, I am proud of myself for really focusing and tuning out the "noise". I have settled on no tv, haven't gone out to a bar really since Chicago ( 7 long months ago!), picked up some books to read at library and continue to do research for going back to school. In fact, I applied to start taking pre req to grad school courses at local community college.

Yes, sometimes it feels that all I am doing is backtracking through my memories, reliving my mistakes over and over, but I am learning and training and it takes practice to become good at anything. I should know this :)

Training of the mind

As I was making my way up Mokapuu road on my chicago schwinn *grin*, I realized something. I have been battling with the idea of how is it possible for me to move forward mentally and away from the insecurities, fears, emotional traumas of the past.Words of my friend echoed in my soul as i peddled and peddled, nearly stuck and not able to turn over. "your mind is just a muscle. you trained your body to do impossible, now it's time to train you mind to do just the same."

It hit me.

Wow! "No shit!", I thought. I did exactly that. It was easy for me to build up my stamina, my endurance, now my strength. My body is trained to recover fast from most serious injuries. I am nearly 70 or 80% after a little over a month of getting a giant plate and screws inserted in my femur. After my muscles were cut in half, I am already able to walk up to 10 or 12 miles, bike 25 miles, hike and swim a little, lift weights as if nothing happened.

But EVERYTHING happened. It's just that I trained my body little by little, pushing harder and harder to overcome.

It is the same thing with my brain, my mind, my soul. So much has been done to them, so much damage and so much trauma was caused both by my environment and myself. It's a long road ahead, but it only has to be as long as I make it. I can drag it out, run away from it, or I can face it and deal, be aware, work through all those things. Little by little training my mind and soul to RECOVER just as quickly as my body does now.

This is very exciting as I continue healing physically, I am now ready to heal emotionally as well.

Happy thoughts..and much aloha

flying mouse and island living.

Journey of a thousand, a million, an eternity of steps is unfolding most beautifully, perhaps, most painfully at times, yet in the end, with most amazing outcomes.

The next chapter of my book is writing itself without any help of it narrator. The thoughts and memories flooding in. I am unveiling slowly and carefully that which has been silenced my entire life. Amazing people, angels in my life, so few and so rare... how blessed I am to find out who they are and how deep do I feel my connection with them now, how carefully do I listen to each one of their words.

Numbing was nice. Numbing myself was easy. Running my body into the ground was easy. Uncovering and dealing and being aware hurts more than the stainless steel plate and all the damn screws put together.. all the rest of the scars on my body... the scariest moments of physical pain do not hurt this much.

In happiness, in excitement but in stillness and with much aloha...

Forever
Tone

long time no write

It has been a long time since I have written any significant updates on my running blog. Partially, there was yet another stress fracture last month ( 3rd metatarsal, but right foot this time) and then there was the "Bummer, I am going to miss this 50 miler in October!". Yet another bone scan and numerous doctor visits later, my bone density has not improved but declined, though insignificantly. Dr. N says there is nothing we can do about the bone mass lost and he wants to maintain my bone density at a level it is now. My initial reaction was numbness. I was in some sort of haze for a couple of days. Then, I got angry and I decided that I am not going down without a fight.
Few solutions to this ( and all of these are my own solutions based upon research and trial/error): 1. Go back to my original/lifelong diet of being dairy free. It has slowed me down on all levels ( running, physical, mental) and it is not getting digested properly by my system. 2. Continue including fish in my diet at least twice a week. 3. move to a sunny place and continue with my calcium/vitamin D therapy. 4. Xtrain twice a week ( as I do my strength training and cycling now but add intensity and a bit more variety ( aqua jogging0). 5. Consult with a bone specialist and proceed with my research on bone mass loss/calcium absorption.

My hope is to run a marathon in the winter and start over. Ultras have to be put on back burner until I feel like I am making progress in bone issue.
Meeting with coach to discuss what he thinks about this will also bring some relief.

p.s: Marathon watching was great! It was the first time I ever watched a race that big and, though, it made me very sad that I was not running, I was so happy for my teammates who ran so strong!

dear diary...

It’s a slide show life
Speechlessly communitating in quotes and rhymes
living through emotions and experiences which have all long passed
Footprints of the past
Blindly following somebody else’s dreams
Living expectations
Unreal
Discarded
Pushing away
Bouncing back

dedicated to dean

As my coworker was howling in the unison with 20 dogs and I was scrubbing kennels inside I came to realization that indeed my running sabbatical is over. I read interview with Dean Karnazes in Competitor over and over that day. I stared at his photo until I could not get his image out of my head. Yes, sure, I was hoping for a month off from running, but as second week came to an end, I started pondering if I was able to run at all at that point. I missed it so much, I even dropped tears on the elliptical at work.

Today I set off on easy 10 as my stomach, thighs, calves and even my chin was jiggling. I was realized how far I have to go and how hard I have to train to even get close to the shape I was in last summer. Dean’s interview popped in my head again. “ I am 45 years old. I have 4.5 percent body fat and my resting heart rate is under 40”. Ok, ok, ok. I can do this. I can run and train til I get a nose bleed. After all this guy didn’t even start doing crazy stuff til he hit his 30th birthday, when he set off on a 30 miler after sitting in a pub pounding beers. Yeah, he is a dude and all, but not much different then me. Not at all. He has resourses now, but he did not then. Why can’t I run in 4 deserts? Why can’t I run 50 marathons in 50 days? Why can’t I?
I could not come up with the reason. Sky is the limit, right? Wrong. There is no limit. I have decided on some hard core changes in my life, but none of those changes involve me not running, not competing, not doing the best, not lacing up my shoes in any weather, any condition and setting of on a run. 10 miles? Sure. 50? Why the hell not?
I hope to run 100 next spring. I hope to do Western States and Badwater before I move to Moscow. I don’t hope. No. I plan to do it. I plan to do it as well as I can. I plan to get into Moscow running scene. Live to run and run to live. It will be amazing to find myself in that part of the world again. I plan to run all the major marathons in Europe, Asia and Africa even if that means scraping money for plane ticket for months in advance.

With all that I had two grand ideas as I finished the run today. First, is to organize a transsiberian race or a race along the Volga river. I think that would be completely amazing and hard core. I can find sponsors. No big deal. Runners are tough and can sleep in tents right? There could be a van or two to transport goods and carry the equipment. Maybe we make it into Runner’s World or Guinness book of world records.
Second idea mostly came from dehydration. I don’t know if this exists already but as I had a craving for cold and flavored something, I thought… Why don’t they sell beer popsicles or vodka popsicle at the store? I even came up with a plan how to make them in my fridge!

Perhaps, insanity runs in my blood. I can’t help it. I get bored easily. I hate conformity and being told what to do. Limits is not something I can ever settle on. My body is nearly a shell which if worked and fed properly will perform incredible things. My mind… hmmm, let’s not go there!

Cheers to summer weather and more running adventures.
Xox
TBat

The dreaded entry Part 2

I woke up this morning to the sound of screaming or yelling. Something deep inside was tearing me apart. I was pumped to do my 2 hour run this morning but when i looked at my clothes and shoes, I had this feeling of disgust. Feeling as if I don't want to see it anymore. I don't want to feel good after my run, because I do not need it in my life.

It felt so strange. A break up. I did not pull all my running gear and shoes in a box and yelled "Move out!". I decided to take an easier and more gentile approach and give ourselves some "space".
Running has always been my best friend, a lover that will always understand, a shoulder I could cry on, a crutch I can use when everything in the world is going wrong. I have also mistreated it at times, took it for granted, did not appreciate it to the full extent. Perhaps the time came when we both got sick of each other. When our "routine" became boring, when our lives became meaningless and we stopped giving strength to each other, but rather looking at the relationship as mundane and unimportant.

With tears in my eyes, I made a brand new workout routine. It feels weird to feel my arms buffing up and my shoulders shaping up as well... I know I will lose the cardio. I know it will hurt to intentionally take away my love and my best friend of all times. However, this distance is needed for me to grow, to get stronger all over and to learn that running is a gift, a treasure, a privilege.

The dreaded entry Part 1

Don’t push me cus I am close to… mos def singing on my 14 mile run the other day. Finally really got that song, strangely. Im a catalog. You the same song. Damn, say it boy… I was pounding the pavement for good 2 hours after an awesome party.

I hate when parties are over. I always want to play just one last song to make things last just a tad bit longer. Always felt same way about long races. Races you train for months at a time. All the hard work was put in and now at the last mile I dread the finish line. Two weeks ago I finished my first 50 miler and could have kept on going. I could have ran faster but I stuck to my plan. Maybe for the first time I remember my reason took over my ambitions and ego and made things work beautifully. I enjoyed every step of it… Some of those steps landed on roots and rocks and in deep mud, up and down the switchbacks and steep climbs, but every single step was enjoyable in its own way.

I took breaks to look at swamps with ducks and look up at tall ponderosa pines and try to spot a deer in the forest. I opened up my lungs and took deep long breaths. I enjoyed walking up the steep hills taking my time thinking about how grateful I am that I have two strong legs which allow me to have these unforgettable experiences.

The journey of running for me has been parallel to my journey of life. I have had my highs that took my breath away. I have had my lows where I wanted to disappear because I could not stand living in such pain. Running has always been just that. A life long roller coaster. Though regardless of which routes it took me on it made me realize the most important thing about myself. I have no limits. Not in life, not in running, not in anything I give my whole self to. There are times where I run or live strictly on passion with my eyes closed, guided by something internal -- headed forward or backwards or sideways without real direction. Sure, I have been criticized for that by older wiser folk in my life, though I never really regret living or running that way. There is time and place for being serious and there is time and place for letting the wind carry your somewhere into the unknown.

My realization of the later is what I am grateful for the most. Focus is in place, though I still see how good it feels to allow myself feel free to fall into something that perhaps may not seem rational. It’s good to take risks—maybe run in the conditions which are not suitable for running, maybe take on a task in life which could possibly lead to disappointment, eat food that may taste bad!!!

" i got the bug"

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Denn die Todten reiten schnell...

Quote Burger's "Lenore" mentioned in Dracula which I was devouring today.
Energy.
Being surrounded by girls from team has set an incredible tone for the rainy gloomy sunday. Sore throat aside, I screamed "Go get'em" and "Kick it to the finish" at the Ravenswood 5k. Kalina, Lisa and Jessica ran so well. Great to see Holly on her scooter and Christina as well. They both ran the 10 miler yesterday, and Christina came in 2nd! She is so speeedy! It was amazing to see Jon run today too. Just to think how much faster he is running now... His excitement and joy have immediately transfered to me. He sent me the sweetest message thanking me for taking him out running and encouraging and supporting him. He is a sweetheart.

Tapering officially began today. Allergies or cold is what I got. Not sure which it is, though I have plenty of benedryl and claritin laying around from Em's rabbit allergies :) As she enters the appartment, I have it out already. I should just have a drink and a pill next to it on a tray ready for her each time.

I cross trained on eliptical for an hour, then did half hour of upper body and core in between of u.body sets. A woman waiting for eliptical questioned the correct reading of the time on the machine. Yes, it's only an hour and I do like to bust my ass on it ;) Started talking about me running ultras. I tend to start conversations with anyone. I noticed that a while back. Odd.

Weights felt really light today, and I realized that if I focus and let things fall where they belong, things just work out in the most beautiful way.

I saw the city far from the southside as I traveled to meet my new dog sitting client who says "shit" just about after each sentence. City was wrapped up in a blanket of fog as my mind cleared off all the bullshit. Suddenly it came to me again. All of it. It gave me goosebumps, just like earlier in the week when I listen to Neko Case piercing me through and through with her voice and amazing beauty. Memories rushed full force then. Something I learned to shake off and move on. Too tough and skin is too thick.

65 running miles this week and about 60-80 biking miles. By Saturday legs were total shit. I bonked out after 5 on saturday since I was running late again. Running late. Should be the title of a book that I would like to burn or shred. That habbit irritates the living shit out of me. Something I would like to leave behind, unless I accidently start running at an ethopian pace. Might have to run shoe-less and drop a couple douzen pounds at least, which is unimaginable. Hmmmm... but... perhaps doable, regardless.

Less distractions does indeed equal to a happpy T.

20/20, dairy and tapering

Finished the 20/20 workout that Chelsey recommended to do. Basically, it's working on your endurance and ability to still run two long runs back to back. I did 20 miles in the rain on sunday, while stuggling with alergic dairy reaction ( yeah, done did it... never again will I be able to look at yogurt or cheese the same!). Still finished the 20 and picked it up for last 3 miles. At some point my splits were 6:42s. I forgot I could run that!
Today I went out on a nice 20m mid morning and was able to avoid all the rain. I had a lot of energy and felt I could just go and go. That means I am ready to taper in a few days and then kick some ass at Ice age 50 ;)
Somehow things seem a bit more together in my head and I would like to keep it that way. Hold on to that straw as long as I can. Despite my strange experience at the Equinox interview today, followed by a call from bally's in rogers park, I was able to stay in great spirits.

I know that this 50 miler is a sort of a journey for me... Running long distances is such a huge passion of mine, though it must be done wisely and slowly. It's a mental journey above anything.

I hope to take time off running and focus on cross training a lot more in May and June. By mid July I will be ready to pick it up a notch in terms of speed, LTs and quality long runs. My goal is to run a good marathon, which at this point seems like Indianapolis will be the lucky city this year ;)

This morning I felt like the bed should just swallow me at once. Dreams were haunting me again and words were still echoing in my head from last night: "why wouldn't we?", "no you wouldn't", " i am a big girl".

all of this was spinning in my head as I tried to just get the hell up. Making mistakes, falling back, falling right through me. I felt like a filter for all of their emotions, their sadness, their happiness, frustrations, admiration, hints, clues.. just too much in my head again and my raw emotions were completely exposed again and I felt vulnerable and helpless.

"suppose pms doesn't quite help with all of this", I thought as I glanced at my calendar.
Head still pounding in unison with heart so I threw on the headphones and headed for the door. Time was flying by as my legs filled with led carried me again along chicago river and away from downward spiral of my thoughts. I was making my own english lyrics to eisbrecher and singing along to "sonne" by rammstein.
This was the only break I ever get .. when I am out there.. just me and the road.. head is clear.. everything is just right.

Legs felt a little off today. A little heavy after 35.5 miles at Waterfall Glenn this last sunday. It was beautiful, sunny, windy, rolling hills.. Trail filled with possibilities. Every rock spoke to me. My lungs were hurting just from breathing pure air filled with smells of pine trees and swamps. I slowed myself down on every incline, and definitely up the big hill on every loop. Took it easy at 9m/mile pace. By the 5th hour I didn't have the urge to sprint the downhills or hurdle the "No parking" trail signs. Cyclists were cheering me on. I even heard a "Go get'em" on my last loop from a couple walking their dog :) I didn't want to stop by had to return the car, and I think I started to freak people out on the trail. Happily I drove back to the city feeling accomplished.

I still fill a little out of focus. My body is ready. My mind is.. work in progress.

This goes out to the week from hell and to being grateful

I felt like a lens out of focus since sunday. Suddenly, there were way too many people in my life, wanting, needing, crying, laughing, asking and advising. My chest slowly closed up and I felt tight and sore all over. It wasn't from the run. It was from feeling completely overwhelmed.

By midweek, someone played a cruel joke on me and took something out of my life and taught me a lesson once again that came at great price. I didn't ask for it, but I saw my control of everything living and not living vanish right in front of me. I tried so hard. I pushed my emotional and physical limits and it still was not enough. It did not change the outcome. The life was still gone and I saw it disappear, slip through my fingers and ... it was gone forever. It gave me an ugly aftertaste. It shook me up, flipped me upside down in mid air and left me hanging suspended by one leg from the roof of a tall building.

Thursday went better, but just a smidge. By night time, my heart was full of hope and it was beating so loud that no matter how fast I rode all the 25 miles through the city that day, I still felt that everyone heard and everyone listened. Then it skipped a beat or two, and once again I saw the reflection of reality through somebody else's eyes. They didn't say much, but ... yes, of course, words are very unnecessary. They do indeed bring harm at times.

I woke up Friday not feeling like I was able to run at all. It was a rough night and I felt so disappointed in myself and being out of focus again. I hated everything I did today. I hated my run, I hated that things at worke just went in the most fucked up way. That I wasn't told and then was looked down at. I felt like a 4 year old again, surrounded by adults speaking in language I could not comprehend. It made me so little, perhaps part of today I didn't even exist.

So, I decided to say "fuck it" and finish my 15 miles of running today by 2 more miles to the brown line. I was cold as hell, since I ran in shorts and was outside all day long with dogs. The wind was strong and steady. I trotted down chicago avenue for a mile and a half. Once I hit the highway, I looked over to the right of me and saw the skyline. The taste of the city. The sun was going down and reflecting off of the buildings. There was strange quietness and hum of the cars and the airplane somewhere above. It all looked surreal. Me in shorts stuffed with just enough change to jump on the El, the kid walking up the bridge in headphones and cap turned sideways, the biker grinning at me as she passes me, the downhill and the tail wind... it was all just perfect tonight.

Maybe this week was leading up to this... appreciation of small things, healthy legs, beautiful city, my four legged pals that sometimes leave my life a little too soon and unexpected, random conversations with people I barely know...
it's all beautiful and for that I am grateful.