This goes out to the week from hell and to being grateful

I felt like a lens out of focus since sunday. Suddenly, there were way too many people in my life, wanting, needing, crying, laughing, asking and advising. My chest slowly closed up and I felt tight and sore all over. It wasn't from the run. It was from feeling completely overwhelmed.

By midweek, someone played a cruel joke on me and took something out of my life and taught me a lesson once again that came at great price. I didn't ask for it, but I saw my control of everything living and not living vanish right in front of me. I tried so hard. I pushed my emotional and physical limits and it still was not enough. It did not change the outcome. The life was still gone and I saw it disappear, slip through my fingers and ... it was gone forever. It gave me an ugly aftertaste. It shook me up, flipped me upside down in mid air and left me hanging suspended by one leg from the roof of a tall building.

Thursday went better, but just a smidge. By night time, my heart was full of hope and it was beating so loud that no matter how fast I rode all the 25 miles through the city that day, I still felt that everyone heard and everyone listened. Then it skipped a beat or two, and once again I saw the reflection of reality through somebody else's eyes. They didn't say much, but ... yes, of course, words are very unnecessary. They do indeed bring harm at times.

I woke up Friday not feeling like I was able to run at all. It was a rough night and I felt so disappointed in myself and being out of focus again. I hated everything I did today. I hated my run, I hated that things at worke just went in the most fucked up way. That I wasn't told and then was looked down at. I felt like a 4 year old again, surrounded by adults speaking in language I could not comprehend. It made me so little, perhaps part of today I didn't even exist.

So, I decided to say "fuck it" and finish my 15 miles of running today by 2 more miles to the brown line. I was cold as hell, since I ran in shorts and was outside all day long with dogs. The wind was strong and steady. I trotted down chicago avenue for a mile and a half. Once I hit the highway, I looked over to the right of me and saw the skyline. The taste of the city. The sun was going down and reflecting off of the buildings. There was strange quietness and hum of the cars and the airplane somewhere above. It all looked surreal. Me in shorts stuffed with just enough change to jump on the El, the kid walking up the bridge in headphones and cap turned sideways, the biker grinning at me as she passes me, the downhill and the tail wind... it was all just perfect tonight.

Maybe this week was leading up to this... appreciation of small things, healthy legs, beautiful city, my four legged pals that sometimes leave my life a little too soon and unexpected, random conversations with people I barely know...
it's all beautiful and for that I am grateful.